School Life

This will be my third week of college and thing's are getting pretty hectic.

For one, I don't even know what day it is. Actually, it's September 12, and I know because I have an appointment at 12pm today.

Second, I am now the VP of a TV media organization. I am implementing projects as soon as I think of them and also finishing them within 24 hours. However, this TV organization is at odds with the student government and I'm slowly but steadily letting things get out of control.

My schoolwork has been abandoned this weekend for extracurricular video projects.

I am hurt by the lack of support I am receiving from friends for this media organization. I tell myself to push ahead and don't look back, you'll gain followers eventually. It still hurts because I would have at least supported my friends. Therefore, it's obvious that I have no friends. It seems awkward pauses in conversation will follow me forever. I really need to learn how to respect conversations and should probably read How to Make Friends and Influence People.

As for my roommate, she drives me crazy. She hums and sings while I am trying to work at my desk and I literally wish she could shut the f*ck up. Perhaps I wouldn't mind if she sang like a bloody angel, but she does not and is simply annoying. My roommate annoys the hell out of me.

So that's pretty much it.

Hurricane Irene

Move-in day was supposed to be today but Irene came and everything was delayed. I can even see the sun now despite the winds.

Post-Depression

I can happily say that I am no longer emo.

Reality

I can't believe a lot of things. It's 5 AM and I just finished watching a documentary on the previous New York City Mayor Lindsay. The documentary was incredibly positive on Mayor Lindsay, because the Wiki article I just read on him was pretty negative.

I can't believe that.. just well, speechless.

Regardless, I discovered that I like the film industry because it is so far from reality. If I had to pick a career that was as far from reality that I could choose, then it would obviously be the film industry, an industry devoted to entertainment and helping audiences forget the urgent matters of their everyday lives.

Change Your Mindset

There are shitloads of things that bug the shit out of me.

1. Facebook. Facebook is like looking into people's lives and being interested in what they're doing but then you need to know that, they don't give a shit about you. Stop concerning yourself with the lives of others and be more concerned for yourself.

2. Fuck this shit.

3. I want to live life. I want to choose life. I need to change my mindset.

I am so fucking sick of everything, my life, how I live it.
I am so fucking sick of it.
I am so fucking sick of bitching. I am so sick of being sick.
I'm done with everything.

I'm done with my insecurity.
I'm done with the past.
Fuck everything, fuck the future, fuck worrying.

Fuck monetary concerns.
Fuck procrastination.
Fuck everything.

Fuck things not going your way.
You can only control your own actions and how you deal with everything else.
FUCKING LIVE A LITTLE.
God damn it.

Stop being a damned pussy about everything.

So you can't see? So your contacts are bitching annoying?
Get the fuck over it already.

So you're fat? Then lose some fucking weight.

So you look fat all the time because you are fat?
Well then, lose some weight, stop bitching about your clothes, or just some buy new ones.

So you don't have a job, your dad throws money at you, you're worrying about the family's financials, so you don't want to waste money to buy clothes?
Well your dad can be concerned for himself. Does he look sick? Well he has diabetes. Well, is he dying? Well does he know what he's doing? Well get the fuck over yourself and get a job then, moron.

So you can't get a job because you don't know whether you can handle it because of your depression.
Well, when your depression rears its ugly little head, just stomp the fucking shit out of it because it's fucking time.

Please, let's get this over with.

The Instant

The instant you realize that you haven't left your house for the whole day and now there isn't any chance to catch some sunshine for at least 8 more hours.

So.

Every depression journal needs a mood bar.
Mood: Apathetic.
Scratch that, couldn't help myself. If no one gets the reference, well, you're not missing much anyway.

Mood: So-So
I was depressed at first because my little sister's being a b*tch to me (she's actually not doing anything but being the victim in this case), but I was then reminded of a friend who does care for me and reminded me that I'm not really alone. And that's comforting.

I still haven't cleaned the room. I'll go do it now. Fml.

Nothing Much

It's Saturday afternoon. My hair is wet, it is raining outside, and I'm wearing a red T-shirt and blue shorts.

I'm sort of pretty cold. It's 60 degrees. Haha, I'm so fickle.

I need to clean my room and I still haven't done it. I don't even know where my trash can is. It's probably buried under a mound of clothing. I don't know why I don't want to clean up besides the obvious reason of laziness.

I need to drop at least 20 lbs this summer. I want to learn some self-defense stuff like boxing, kick-boxing, or martial arts to trim the weight off, build muscle, and gain the ability to defend myself.

Deadline: Clean room by tomorrow night.
Deadline: Start travel plans by Wednesday.
Deadline: Have read 100 pages by Wednesday.

Lucidity

After days or more specifically a month of doing nothing, I've realized a number of things about my depression.

1. I have bouts of lucidity where I am able to think rationally, hopeful, etc. Usually these moments and moods can easily be ruined when things don't go my way and remind me of how much of a pathetic moron I am. I used to think that these moments of lucidity were bad because they were the example that I wasn't trying hard enough but now I know that these moments of lucidity are a good thing.

2. I've been ridiculously lazy. It's been a month and my suitcase still hasn't been unpacked.

3. Depression is a serious illness. It's like madness, a serious psychological disability. I need to accept it and work to overcome it.

Therefore there are things I need.
1. A strict regimen to get back in the habit.
2. I want to read more and I think I might want to be an agent.
3. I need to stop distracting myself with everyone and everything else and focus purely on myself.

So. I've made a decision to try to blog or get a journal to write in everyday.
I'm also going to make an effort to take my medication everyday.

Depressed

I spent the past 48 hours just steadfastly reading The Hunger Games trilogy. It was upsetting. 

I felt so depressed and hopeless that I popped 30mgs of Citalopram and half a sleeping pill. I have my first summer class tomorrow on Street Art but all I feel like doing is crawling into a corner and doing nothing.

I really need help. I glare at my parents and my little sister and refuse to see my grandparents. 

Tomorrow's the last day to pay for the summer tuition. If I don't get financial aid then I'll have to pay it myself. I don't even know if.. ...

I'm just so depressed. I'm really really sad and I'm just so desperately sad. 

No Distance Left to Run (2010)

No Distance Left to Run (2010) is a documentary about the famous "Britpop" band Blur. Directed by Will Lovelace and Dylan Southern, the film traces the history of the band through interviews with the band members themselves.

Trainspotting (1996)

All I can think is.. how did I go through all the teenage years of my life without seeing this? And I said that in my head in a goddamned Scottish accent.

On the Edge (2001)

On the Edge (2001), directed by John Carney, is one of those movies that are so incredibly cheesy that it doesn't even attempt to be different from the typical cheesy flick, other than that the film follows mentally ill kids. Except, that's not really exceptional, since Manic (2001) came out the same year and is also on the mental hospital genre. 

25 Films

Decided to come up with a graphic for the films that I need to see over the summer.

Here's one graphic with 25 of them on it. Kudos if you can identify them all.

If you want a bigger version of this, click here.

Goodbye Semester

So finals has been nonexistent for me since I took a medical withdrawal this semester. I'm not too happy about it but my decision has been made.

Unfortunately, now, I'm just incredibly, ridiculously, agonizingly bored.

Film Buffs

As much as I love movies and films, I'm sadly still not what you call a "film buff". I used to think I was, compared to my friends and colleagues, but you eventually gain perspective after you meet some people, like film critics or well, film professors, etc.

Breaking It In

I decided to go completely anonymous, so here's my new anonymous blog. I'll be blogging more often now, since this is anonymous. Feels good.