Reality

I can't believe a lot of things. It's 5 AM and I just finished watching a documentary on the previous New York City Mayor Lindsay. The documentary was incredibly positive on Mayor Lindsay, because the Wiki article I just read on him was pretty negative.

I can't believe that.. just well, speechless.

Regardless, I discovered that I like the film industry because it is so far from reality. If I had to pick a career that was as far from reality that I could choose, then it would obviously be the film industry, an industry devoted to entertainment and helping audiences forget the urgent matters of their everyday lives.

Change Your Mindset

There are shitloads of things that bug the shit out of me.

1. Facebook. Facebook is like looking into people's lives and being interested in what they're doing but then you need to know that, they don't give a shit about you. Stop concerning yourself with the lives of others and be more concerned for yourself.

2. Fuck this shit.

3. I want to live life. I want to choose life. I need to change my mindset.

I am so fucking sick of everything, my life, how I live it.
I am so fucking sick of it.
I am so fucking sick of bitching. I am so sick of being sick.
I'm done with everything.

I'm done with my insecurity.
I'm done with the past.
Fuck everything, fuck the future, fuck worrying.

Fuck monetary concerns.
Fuck procrastination.
Fuck everything.

Fuck things not going your way.
You can only control your own actions and how you deal with everything else.
FUCKING LIVE A LITTLE.
God damn it.

Stop being a damned pussy about everything.

So you can't see? So your contacts are bitching annoying?
Get the fuck over it already.

So you're fat? Then lose some fucking weight.

So you look fat all the time because you are fat?
Well then, lose some weight, stop bitching about your clothes, or just some buy new ones.

So you don't have a job, your dad throws money at you, you're worrying about the family's financials, so you don't want to waste money to buy clothes?
Well your dad can be concerned for himself. Does he look sick? Well he has diabetes. Well, is he dying? Well does he know what he's doing? Well get the fuck over yourself and get a job then, moron.

So you can't get a job because you don't know whether you can handle it because of your depression.
Well, when your depression rears its ugly little head, just stomp the fucking shit out of it because it's fucking time.

Please, let's get this over with.

The Instant

The instant you realize that you haven't left your house for the whole day and now there isn't any chance to catch some sunshine for at least 8 more hours.

So.

Every depression journal needs a mood bar.
Mood: Apathetic.
Scratch that, couldn't help myself. If no one gets the reference, well, you're not missing much anyway.

Mood: So-So
I was depressed at first because my little sister's being a b*tch to me (she's actually not doing anything but being the victim in this case), but I was then reminded of a friend who does care for me and reminded me that I'm not really alone. And that's comforting.

I still haven't cleaned the room. I'll go do it now. Fml.

Nothing Much

It's Saturday afternoon. My hair is wet, it is raining outside, and I'm wearing a red T-shirt and blue shorts.

I'm sort of pretty cold. It's 60 degrees. Haha, I'm so fickle.

I need to clean my room and I still haven't done it. I don't even know where my trash can is. It's probably buried under a mound of clothing. I don't know why I don't want to clean up besides the obvious reason of laziness.

I need to drop at least 20 lbs this summer. I want to learn some self-defense stuff like boxing, kick-boxing, or martial arts to trim the weight off, build muscle, and gain the ability to defend myself.

Deadline: Clean room by tomorrow night.
Deadline: Start travel plans by Wednesday.
Deadline: Have read 100 pages by Wednesday.

Lucidity

After days or more specifically a month of doing nothing, I've realized a number of things about my depression.

1. I have bouts of lucidity where I am able to think rationally, hopeful, etc. Usually these moments and moods can easily be ruined when things don't go my way and remind me of how much of a pathetic moron I am. I used to think that these moments of lucidity were bad because they were the example that I wasn't trying hard enough but now I know that these moments of lucidity are a good thing.

2. I've been ridiculously lazy. It's been a month and my suitcase still hasn't been unpacked.

3. Depression is a serious illness. It's like madness, a serious psychological disability. I need to accept it and work to overcome it.

Therefore there are things I need.
1. A strict regimen to get back in the habit.
2. I want to read more and I think I might want to be an agent.
3. I need to stop distracting myself with everyone and everything else and focus purely on myself.

So. I've made a decision to try to blog or get a journal to write in everyday.
I'm also going to make an effort to take my medication everyday.